time flies when you're changing

i leave cape town in a week. WTF?!? i really can't believe my time here is so close to ending. i have no clue as to how to prepare myself to say goodbye to these children. i can't. it's a really weird thing. every other time i have said goodbye to youth that i've worked with, there has always been the possibility to see them in the future, if i wanted to. i don't know when i'll be back in south africa. (for those of you who thought i would, i'm NOT moving here) and furthermore, i can't hug these kids and tell them "i'm going home now." for one, the language barrier is there - but i assume "home" translates pretty easily. for second, i don't have the heart to do it. i don't want to say "goodbye". i've said many goodbyes in my life. i've enjoyed many diverse experiences where i've met many different people, most of which were not near my "home" or with people who lived there. saying goodbye to many of these people was never easy but some of them are most closest friends now and we make a point to maintain the relationship, regardless of time or space. this impending "goodbye" IS a goodbye. the futures of these children are unknown and the possibility of future communication is 0. i can request updates from time to time but that's all. once i leave BAP on sunday morning, it's over. i don't know how to prepare for this or how i even intend to do it. not fun. :-(

many of you told me "you'll be forever changed" when i was leaving. i am. i feel myself changing. i feel a new person taking residence in me. this change did not begin when i cam to africa, though. this change began a little more than 6 months ago. as many of you know, my life has changed quite a bit over the last year. last year at this time i was working a job in new york city that many young people dream of having. i was catering to celebrities and the likes; attending junkets, premieres & parties. my days were "exciting" and extremely fast paced but for me they were empty. i found myself finding my day to day to be less than fulfilling. found myself working for something i didn't care for. so i chose to let it all go. i don't fear change or making the decisions that catalyze change but the decision is among many of the hardest i'd ever made. when i returned to chicago, i wasn't sure i'd made the right choice. i was embarassed of my place, no home of my own, no job, no idea what my next "career" move would be. i lost sleep thinking about how i would put the pieces back together. i went back to my "default" job - one that i'd done on and off for 10 years - and that was providing care to a young man named ERIC FEINBERG. eric and i had been friends since i was 15 and lucky for me, i received payment for being his friend. but not in the way thart sounds - eric had severe cerebral palsy and was unable to move, speak or eat. basically we would hang out and i would help him do these things. not to mention, i would give his mom a much needed break from providing him around-the-clock care.

i may have been lost at that time but being back with eric was the best medicine. he was an extension of me and caring for him came naturally to me. i was my best person when i was with him. he reminded me in little time that everything would fall into place and because i could do all the thing he couldn't, little mattered. as many of you know, on march 6th, two weeks after i had returned to him, eric died. i watched as snow fell outside his window and life left him. i said goodbye to eric that morning. i told him that it was ok for him to go. i knew something better waited for him on the other side.

many people asked me "why are you going to south africa?" "why do you want to do this?" i would shrug my shoulders and say "i don't really know." i know now. eric is why. he is why i wanted to go. why i needed to go. i was my best person when i was with eric and i will continue to be my best person if i make decisions with eric in mind. i don't mean that in a weird way, like "i'm dedicating the rest of my life to eric." but i guess i mean i'm dedicating my life to living in his spirit. to living the way he inspired me to, regardless of the fact that he's gone. i spoke at his funeral and said that he was my "PERSPECTIVE". my constant reminder that no matter what life threw my way, it could be worse. i said, "i can eat. i can walk. i can speak." i can still do all of those things - i probably will until my dying day. but it's not enough to just honor eric by eating, walking and speaking. in his honor, i will continue to give of my own spirit to those who don't have all that i have.

every experience i've enjoyed over since i've been in south africa, eric has been in my head. the times i haven't cried out of joy, i've cried out of sadness. i miss eric. i miss the person i was with him, the part of myself that was able to shine when i cared for him. but his job was to show me that side of myself and my job is to continue to nurture and cultivate that. i wish eric could see everything i've seen. i wish he could have dived with those sharks, ridden that surf board, climbed that mountain, drank that wine. so i did it for him. i will continue to live my fullest life in his honor. for him. and for the children of BAP. these children have elaborated on the gift eric has given me. they remind me to live my fullest life and to continue to nurture my giving spirit and to share it with others who need it. i promise to do that. i promise to commit myself to work that others benefit from. my aim will never be to fill my own pocket. i have accepted the fact that i will never be rich and if i do become wealthy, it will be from the success of these endeavors. i like this new person that resides in me. he's happy. he's fearless. he's full of love and appreciation. he's me.

next wednesday, i leave cape town. i fly to johannesburg and hop on a bus to gaberone, the largest city in botswana. i'll spend the night there before heading to maun, the portal to the okavango delta. i was introduced to the okavango delta by the bbc documentary "planet earth". in the first episode they spoke of the okavango's wealth of wildlife and immense beauty. i knew i wanted to see it. i did my research, asked many people many questions and have planned the perfect visit. i'll explore the delta with a guide in a carved out wooden canoe, called a "makoro", on an overnight camping safari. i'm looking very forward to seeing this place. i'm not looking forward to taking the malaria pills or lathering in bug spray but i am excited to see animals in their natural habitat and the place that "planet earth" calls "one of the most beautiful places on earth." from maun i'll head to kasane to see chobe national park. chobe is to botswana what kruger is to south africa. it is meant to be home to the largest collection of game - including the BIG 5. the "BIG 5" is the elephant, the rhino, the lion, the buffalo, and the leopard. i will see them all in chobe on game drives and a river cruise. can't wait! from chobe i head to zambia where i'll stay in livingstone and see one of the 7 wonders of the world, victoria falls. there i'll white water raft in the zambezi river - touted one of the most exhilirating rafting experiences in the world. i've never rafted before but i've always wanted to so why not start BIG! october is meant to be the most turbulent as well. we're guaranteed to flip over, they say. :-) i'll fly from livingstone to johannesburg on october 19th, stay in jo'burg for the night, see the apartheid museum and then hop on a plane for BANGKOK!!! i'll be in thailand for 2 weeks before returning home on november 7th. i'll save that itinerary for another post. this is already quite lengthy and AVIVA is hosting a "braii" (a BBQ) for all the volunteers tonight and i must curl my hair. ;-)

love.