popcorn, ice cream & buddha

i'm leaving tomorrow. i've dealt with the sadness. as much as i could. the knowledge that i was leaving permeated through every minute of my last shift. i couldn't help but think that i wasn't going to see these kids for a long time, maybe ever. i tried to hold them a little tighter, make them laugh a little harder. i really did make the most of those last 3 days. yes, the goodbye was hard. i was anxious as to how i was going to do it. i didn't want to just say goodbye sunday morning like it was nothing. i wanted the kids to know i was leaving. i didn't need to tell each of them - many wouldn't understand. the one child that i felt i could explain my departure to, jessica, did something that wasn't surprising for a girl as bright as she. something that made it so much easier for me. the day before i was meant to leave, i was waking a baby from his nap and she tugged on my pant leg. she said to me, "you're going home." i stopped. how did she know? she'd asked other volunteers before when i wasn't there because i was maybe sleeping in or not on shift - "where's bobby?", "did he go home?" - but today jessica somehow knew. i said to her, "yes, i am." that was all that was said between the two of us. afterwards i sat on the couch with jessica in my lap and cried. i held her in my lap and i looked at each kid as they went on with their playing. i knew that days from then, when one of them wondered where i was, jessica would be the one to tell them "He went home." once that moment passed, i held back my tears and dedicated the next 24 hours to treating these kids and taking in as many more moments with them as I could. I made them popcorn for the last time. they love popcorn. for some reason I became the "Popcorn Man". every shift I made stove popped popcorn for snack. They asked for it all the time. It made me smile to think that my snack was popcorn. Simple but delicious.

Later that evening, after dinner and bathtime, I treated the kids to vanilla ice cream. The tub was evenly split between the 27 kids and each kid got about a scoop. It could have been more but I also didn't want them to have too much sugar. I fed a bowl to one of the babies named Anita. Anita was always the most easygoing child. She cried very little and when Barney was on, you always saw Anita dancing and clapping along. Anita loved her ice cream - so much so that when she saw the bowl was empty, she cried. Watching her cry over the empty bowl, I zoned out and though of the metaphor between that bowl of ice cream and my time at BAP. It's so good when you're eating it but eventually you take your last bite and you can't help but cry because it's gone.

i went down at 5am on sunday morning to have some time alone with the kids. our normal shift doesn't require us to be down until 7. i got to wake the kids up, help with bathtime, feed them breakfast and get a little more playtime in. a few of the kids made a circle near me and we played a game where i asked them what their name was and the names of other kids around the circle. it was a good way for them to work on their english and understand "his" and "her" and possession. a while back i coined a nickname for one of the boys. luthando has a big belly and is sweet as can be. he is always in a happy mood and smiles alot. i began calling luthando "buddha." i call many people nicknames but most times they fade or i find another one. but luthando loved his. he would run around the house screaming "BUDDHA! BUDDHA! BUDDHA!!!" when other volunteers would call "buddha", luthando would turn around. he actually answered to buddha. it made me happy. i was hysterical that morning when we played the name game and ALL of the kids were calling luthando "buddha"! i'll feel very proud if i come back and luthando is still being called "buddha".

we were picked up at 8:30 on sunday morning. all of the volunteers went back to the flat to pack up and said they would get me when the van arrived. when mary opened the door i knew the time had come. i picked up each kid individually and kissed them. i hugged the caregivers and thanked them for their hard work and for taking care of the kids. one told me that i was a good man and the kids loved me. i knew that. i love them as well. i got into the van and wept. with the hood over my head and my ipod on, i wept as we drove out of khayelitsha. i thought about jessica's face as i walked towards the door. and kissing the other kids as they played, clueless that "the popcorn man" wouldn't be coming anymore. we passed the airport on the way back to aviva house and i remembered landing 6 weeks prior. who i was then and who i am now. i'm leaving with so much more than i came with. i'll be checking extra luggage. ;-)

now - onto the next journey. i'm sorry to tell you all that my digital camera is experiencing technical problems and for the cost of fixing it i could just get a new one. i do have another camera but it shoots on film. so...there won't be anymore pictures for the time being. maybe when i get to thailand i can get them developed and put on disc but i can't promise anything. i know how much everyone has enjoyed the photos and i've enjoyed sharing them with you. i also don't know what kind of internet access i'll have over the next few days so it may be a while until i post again. in the meantime, be well...and keep living fully!