I'm in the Dubai airport right now. Arrived from Jo'Burg at 4:45am and fly to Bangkok at 8:40. I perused the insane duty free for a bit, amongst the burka-clad women applying MAC cosmetics and the men testing golf clubs - all a bit surreal. I don't have time to see the city but I'll see all of the skyscrapers from the plane - including the building with the tennis court on the roof. The flight was luxurious to say the least. There are cameras on the front and bottom of the plane so you can watch take-off and landing. They served a four course meal, offered 50 movies and the BEST music catalog I've ever seen. They had best of Otis Redding, Miles Davis, Chet Baker...Madonna! What more does a boy need? I arrive in Bangkok around 7pm and Soraya gets in around 11. Looking forward to seeing a familiar face - it can get lonely on the road. ;-)
Did I mention we fly through Tokyo on the way home and we're staying for 2 nights?!? That's gonna be a trip. I'm already experiencing culture shock from my travels through rural Africa - my senses will be on overload. It's all worth it, though. There is nothing better than traveling abroad. You learn things you could never learn in a book. By now, I can fill shelves with what I've learned. And hope to fill many more...
Saturday, October 20, 2007
i'm very much alive. :-)
for any of you wondering what happened to me or where the hell i've been...I'M ALIVE! i've been struggling to get on this thing since i left cape town. either there just hasn't been a computer for miles or the connection sucked (like the one i'm on now). i'm in jo'burg now and fly to thailand in less than 12 hours. the last 10 days have been incredible. i really have had the time of my life! all of my planning worked out just right and aside from the painfully long and uncomfortable busrides, everything was perfect. i explored the beauty of the okavango delta from a makoro and from a 3-seater airplane. i witnessed the abundant wildlife in chobe from a 4X4 at 5am and on a sunset river cruise. i rafted the zambezi river (and nearly died!) and saw with my own eyes one of the 7 wonders of the world - victoria falls. i met some inspiring locals in botswana and zambia and many other world-travelers, each with exciting stories to share. unfortunately this connection is too slow for me to write about it all in more detail - i'll save it for home so i can also share the photos. much love!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
popcorn, ice cream & buddha
i'm leaving tomorrow. i've dealt with the sadness. as much as i could. the knowledge that i was leaving permeated through every minute of my last shift. i couldn't help but think that i wasn't going to see these kids for a long time, maybe ever. i tried to hold them a little tighter, make them laugh a little harder. i really did make the most of those last 3 days. yes, the goodbye was hard. i was anxious as to how i was going to do it. i didn't want to just say goodbye sunday morning like it was nothing. i wanted the kids to know i was leaving. i didn't need to tell each of them - many wouldn't understand. the one child that i felt i could explain my departure to, jessica, did something that wasn't surprising for a girl as bright as she. something that made it so much easier for me. the day before i was meant to leave, i was waking a baby from his nap and she tugged on my pant leg. she said to me, "you're going home." i stopped. how did she know? she'd asked other volunteers before when i wasn't there because i was maybe sleeping in or not on shift - "where's bobby?", "did he go home?" - but today jessica somehow knew. i said to her, "yes, i am." that was all that was said between the two of us. afterwards i sat on the couch with jessica in my lap and cried. i held her in my lap and i looked at each kid as they went on with their playing. i knew that days from then, when one of them wondered where i was, jessica would be the one to tell them "He went home." once that moment passed, i held back my tears and dedicated the next 24 hours to treating these kids and taking in as many more moments with them as I could. I made them popcorn for the last time. they love popcorn. for some reason I became the "Popcorn Man". every shift I made stove popped popcorn for snack. They asked for it all the time. It made me smile to think that my snack was popcorn. Simple but delicious.
Later that evening, after dinner and bathtime, I treated the kids to vanilla ice cream. The tub was evenly split between the 27 kids and each kid got about a scoop. It could have been more but I also didn't want them to have too much sugar. I fed a bowl to one of the babies named Anita. Anita was always the most easygoing child. She cried very little and when Barney was on, you always saw Anita dancing and clapping along. Anita loved her ice cream - so much so that when she saw the bowl was empty, she cried. Watching her cry over the empty bowl, I zoned out and though of the metaphor between that bowl of ice cream and my time at BAP. It's so good when you're eating it but eventually you take your last bite and you can't help but cry because it's gone.
i went down at 5am on sunday morning to have some time alone with the kids. our normal shift doesn't require us to be down until 7. i got to wake the kids up, help with bathtime, feed them breakfast and get a little more playtime in. a few of the kids made a circle near me and we played a game where i asked them what their name was and the names of other kids around the circle. it was a good way for them to work on their english and understand "his" and "her" and possession. a while back i coined a nickname for one of the boys. luthando has a big belly and is sweet as can be. he is always in a happy mood and smiles alot. i began calling luthando "buddha." i call many people nicknames but most times they fade or i find another one. but luthando loved his. he would run around the house screaming "BUDDHA! BUDDHA! BUDDHA!!!" when other volunteers would call "buddha", luthando would turn around. he actually answered to buddha. it made me happy. i was hysterical that morning when we played the name game and ALL of the kids were calling luthando "buddha"! i'll feel very proud if i come back and luthando is still being called "buddha".
we were picked up at 8:30 on sunday morning. all of the volunteers went back to the flat to pack up and said they would get me when the van arrived. when mary opened the door i knew the time had come. i picked up each kid individually and kissed them. i hugged the caregivers and thanked them for their hard work and for taking care of the kids. one told me that i was a good man and the kids loved me. i knew that. i love them as well. i got into the van and wept. with the hood over my head and my ipod on, i wept as we drove out of khayelitsha. i thought about jessica's face as i walked towards the door. and kissing the other kids as they played, clueless that "the popcorn man" wouldn't be coming anymore. we passed the airport on the way back to aviva house and i remembered landing 6 weeks prior. who i was then and who i am now. i'm leaving with so much more than i came with. i'll be checking extra luggage. ;-)
now - onto the next journey. i'm sorry to tell you all that my digital camera is experiencing technical problems and for the cost of fixing it i could just get a new one. i do have another camera but it shoots on film. so...there won't be anymore pictures for the time being. maybe when i get to thailand i can get them developed and put on disc but i can't promise anything. i know how much everyone has enjoyed the photos and i've enjoyed sharing them with you. i also don't know what kind of internet access i'll have over the next few days so it may be a while until i post again. in the meantime, be well...and keep living fully!
Later that evening, after dinner and bathtime, I treated the kids to vanilla ice cream. The tub was evenly split between the 27 kids and each kid got about a scoop. It could have been more but I also didn't want them to have too much sugar. I fed a bowl to one of the babies named Anita. Anita was always the most easygoing child. She cried very little and when Barney was on, you always saw Anita dancing and clapping along. Anita loved her ice cream - so much so that when she saw the bowl was empty, she cried. Watching her cry over the empty bowl, I zoned out and though of the metaphor between that bowl of ice cream and my time at BAP. It's so good when you're eating it but eventually you take your last bite and you can't help but cry because it's gone.
i went down at 5am on sunday morning to have some time alone with the kids. our normal shift doesn't require us to be down until 7. i got to wake the kids up, help with bathtime, feed them breakfast and get a little more playtime in. a few of the kids made a circle near me and we played a game where i asked them what their name was and the names of other kids around the circle. it was a good way for them to work on their english and understand "his" and "her" and possession. a while back i coined a nickname for one of the boys. luthando has a big belly and is sweet as can be. he is always in a happy mood and smiles alot. i began calling luthando "buddha." i call many people nicknames but most times they fade or i find another one. but luthando loved his. he would run around the house screaming "BUDDHA! BUDDHA! BUDDHA!!!" when other volunteers would call "buddha", luthando would turn around. he actually answered to buddha. it made me happy. i was hysterical that morning when we played the name game and ALL of the kids were calling luthando "buddha"! i'll feel very proud if i come back and luthando is still being called "buddha".
we were picked up at 8:30 on sunday morning. all of the volunteers went back to the flat to pack up and said they would get me when the van arrived. when mary opened the door i knew the time had come. i picked up each kid individually and kissed them. i hugged the caregivers and thanked them for their hard work and for taking care of the kids. one told me that i was a good man and the kids loved me. i knew that. i love them as well. i got into the van and wept. with the hood over my head and my ipod on, i wept as we drove out of khayelitsha. i thought about jessica's face as i walked towards the door. and kissing the other kids as they played, clueless that "the popcorn man" wouldn't be coming anymore. we passed the airport on the way back to aviva house and i remembered landing 6 weeks prior. who i was then and who i am now. i'm leaving with so much more than i came with. i'll be checking extra luggage. ;-)
now - onto the next journey. i'm sorry to tell you all that my digital camera is experiencing technical problems and for the cost of fixing it i could just get a new one. i do have another camera but it shoots on film. so...there won't be anymore pictures for the time being. maybe when i get to thailand i can get them developed and put on disc but i can't promise anything. i know how much everyone has enjoyed the photos and i've enjoyed sharing them with you. i also don't know what kind of internet access i'll have over the next few days so it may be a while until i post again. in the meantime, be well...and keep living fully!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
time flies when you're changing
i leave cape town in a week. WTF?!? i really can't believe my time here is so close to ending. i have no clue as to how to prepare myself to say goodbye to these children. i can't. it's a really weird thing. every other time i have said goodbye to youth that i've worked with, there has always been the possibility to see them in the future, if i wanted to. i don't know when i'll be back in south africa. (for those of you who thought i would, i'm NOT moving here) and furthermore, i can't hug these kids and tell them "i'm going home now." for one, the language barrier is there - but i assume "home" translates pretty easily. for second, i don't have the heart to do it. i don't want to say "goodbye". i've said many goodbyes in my life. i've enjoyed many diverse experiences where i've met many different people, most of which were not near my "home" or with people who lived there. saying goodbye to many of these people was never easy but some of them are most closest friends now and we make a point to maintain the relationship, regardless of time or space. this impending "goodbye" IS a goodbye. the futures of these children are unknown and the possibility of future communication is 0. i can request updates from time to time but that's all. once i leave BAP on sunday morning, it's over. i don't know how to prepare for this or how i even intend to do it. not fun. :-(
many of you told me "you'll be forever changed" when i was leaving. i am. i feel myself changing. i feel a new person taking residence in me. this change did not begin when i cam to africa, though. this change began a little more than 6 months ago. as many of you know, my life has changed quite a bit over the last year. last year at this time i was working a job in new york city that many young people dream of having. i was catering to celebrities and the likes; attending junkets, premieres & parties. my days were "exciting" and extremely fast paced but for me they were empty. i found myself finding my day to day to be less than fulfilling. found myself working for something i didn't care for. so i chose to let it all go. i don't fear change or making the decisions that catalyze change but the decision is among many of the hardest i'd ever made. when i returned to chicago, i wasn't sure i'd made the right choice. i was embarassed of my place, no home of my own, no job, no idea what my next "career" move would be. i lost sleep thinking about how i would put the pieces back together. i went back to my "default" job - one that i'd done on and off for 10 years - and that was providing care to a young man named ERIC FEINBERG. eric and i had been friends since i was 15 and lucky for me, i received payment for being his friend. but not in the way thart sounds - eric had severe cerebral palsy and was unable to move, speak or eat. basically we would hang out and i would help him do these things. not to mention, i would give his mom a much needed break from providing him around-the-clock care.
i may have been lost at that time but being back with eric was the best medicine. he was an extension of me and caring for him came naturally to me. i was my best person when i was with him. he reminded me in little time that everything would fall into place and because i could do all the thing he couldn't, little mattered. as many of you know, on march 6th, two weeks after i had returned to him, eric died. i watched as snow fell outside his window and life left him. i said goodbye to eric that morning. i told him that it was ok for him to go. i knew something better waited for him on the other side.
many people asked me "why are you going to south africa?" "why do you want to do this?" i would shrug my shoulders and say "i don't really know." i know now. eric is why. he is why i wanted to go. why i needed to go. i was my best person when i was with eric and i will continue to be my best person if i make decisions with eric in mind. i don't mean that in a weird way, like "i'm dedicating the rest of my life to eric." but i guess i mean i'm dedicating my life to living in his spirit. to living the way he inspired me to, regardless of the fact that he's gone. i spoke at his funeral and said that he was my "PERSPECTIVE". my constant reminder that no matter what life threw my way, it could be worse. i said, "i can eat. i can walk. i can speak." i can still do all of those things - i probably will until my dying day. but it's not enough to just honor eric by eating, walking and speaking. in his honor, i will continue to give of my own spirit to those who don't have all that i have.
every experience i've enjoyed over since i've been in south africa, eric has been in my head. the times i haven't cried out of joy, i've cried out of sadness. i miss eric. i miss the person i was with him, the part of myself that was able to shine when i cared for him. but his job was to show me that side of myself and my job is to continue to nurture and cultivate that. i wish eric could see everything i've seen. i wish he could have dived with those sharks, ridden that surf board, climbed that mountain, drank that wine. so i did it for him. i will continue to live my fullest life in his honor. for him. and for the children of BAP. these children have elaborated on the gift eric has given me. they remind me to live my fullest life and to continue to nurture my giving spirit and to share it with others who need it. i promise to do that. i promise to commit myself to work that others benefit from. my aim will never be to fill my own pocket. i have accepted the fact that i will never be rich and if i do become wealthy, it will be from the success of these endeavors. i like this new person that resides in me. he's happy. he's fearless. he's full of love and appreciation. he's me.
next wednesday, i leave cape town. i fly to johannesburg and hop on a bus to gaberone, the largest city in botswana. i'll spend the night there before heading to maun, the portal to the okavango delta. i was introduced to the okavango delta by the bbc documentary "planet earth". in the first episode they spoke of the okavango's wealth of wildlife and immense beauty. i knew i wanted to see it. i did my research, asked many people many questions and have planned the perfect visit. i'll explore the delta with a guide in a carved out wooden canoe, called a "makoro", on an overnight camping safari. i'm looking very forward to seeing this place. i'm not looking forward to taking the malaria pills or lathering in bug spray but i am excited to see animals in their natural habitat and the place that "planet earth" calls "one of the most beautiful places on earth." from maun i'll head to kasane to see chobe national park. chobe is to botswana what kruger is to south africa. it is meant to be home to the largest collection of game - including the BIG 5. the "BIG 5" is the elephant, the rhino, the lion, the buffalo, and the leopard. i will see them all in chobe on game drives and a river cruise. can't wait! from chobe i head to zambia where i'll stay in livingstone and see one of the 7 wonders of the world, victoria falls. there i'll white water raft in the zambezi river - touted one of the most exhilirating rafting experiences in the world. i've never rafted before but i've always wanted to so why not start BIG! october is meant to be the most turbulent as well. we're guaranteed to flip over, they say. :-) i'll fly from livingstone to johannesburg on october 19th, stay in jo'burg for the night, see the apartheid museum and then hop on a plane for BANGKOK!!! i'll be in thailand for 2 weeks before returning home on november 7th. i'll save that itinerary for another post. this is already quite lengthy and AVIVA is hosting a "braii" (a BBQ) for all the volunteers tonight and i must curl my hair. ;-)
love.
many of you told me "you'll be forever changed" when i was leaving. i am. i feel myself changing. i feel a new person taking residence in me. this change did not begin when i cam to africa, though. this change began a little more than 6 months ago. as many of you know, my life has changed quite a bit over the last year. last year at this time i was working a job in new york city that many young people dream of having. i was catering to celebrities and the likes; attending junkets, premieres & parties. my days were "exciting" and extremely fast paced but for me they were empty. i found myself finding my day to day to be less than fulfilling. found myself working for something i didn't care for. so i chose to let it all go. i don't fear change or making the decisions that catalyze change but the decision is among many of the hardest i'd ever made. when i returned to chicago, i wasn't sure i'd made the right choice. i was embarassed of my place, no home of my own, no job, no idea what my next "career" move would be. i lost sleep thinking about how i would put the pieces back together. i went back to my "default" job - one that i'd done on and off for 10 years - and that was providing care to a young man named ERIC FEINBERG. eric and i had been friends since i was 15 and lucky for me, i received payment for being his friend. but not in the way thart sounds - eric had severe cerebral palsy and was unable to move, speak or eat. basically we would hang out and i would help him do these things. not to mention, i would give his mom a much needed break from providing him around-the-clock care.
i may have been lost at that time but being back with eric was the best medicine. he was an extension of me and caring for him came naturally to me. i was my best person when i was with him. he reminded me in little time that everything would fall into place and because i could do all the thing he couldn't, little mattered. as many of you know, on march 6th, two weeks after i had returned to him, eric died. i watched as snow fell outside his window and life left him. i said goodbye to eric that morning. i told him that it was ok for him to go. i knew something better waited for him on the other side.
many people asked me "why are you going to south africa?" "why do you want to do this?" i would shrug my shoulders and say "i don't really know." i know now. eric is why. he is why i wanted to go. why i needed to go. i was my best person when i was with eric and i will continue to be my best person if i make decisions with eric in mind. i don't mean that in a weird way, like "i'm dedicating the rest of my life to eric." but i guess i mean i'm dedicating my life to living in his spirit. to living the way he inspired me to, regardless of the fact that he's gone. i spoke at his funeral and said that he was my "PERSPECTIVE". my constant reminder that no matter what life threw my way, it could be worse. i said, "i can eat. i can walk. i can speak." i can still do all of those things - i probably will until my dying day. but it's not enough to just honor eric by eating, walking and speaking. in his honor, i will continue to give of my own spirit to those who don't have all that i have.
every experience i've enjoyed over since i've been in south africa, eric has been in my head. the times i haven't cried out of joy, i've cried out of sadness. i miss eric. i miss the person i was with him, the part of myself that was able to shine when i cared for him. but his job was to show me that side of myself and my job is to continue to nurture and cultivate that. i wish eric could see everything i've seen. i wish he could have dived with those sharks, ridden that surf board, climbed that mountain, drank that wine. so i did it for him. i will continue to live my fullest life in his honor. for him. and for the children of BAP. these children have elaborated on the gift eric has given me. they remind me to live my fullest life and to continue to nurture my giving spirit and to share it with others who need it. i promise to do that. i promise to commit myself to work that others benefit from. my aim will never be to fill my own pocket. i have accepted the fact that i will never be rich and if i do become wealthy, it will be from the success of these endeavors. i like this new person that resides in me. he's happy. he's fearless. he's full of love and appreciation. he's me.
next wednesday, i leave cape town. i fly to johannesburg and hop on a bus to gaberone, the largest city in botswana. i'll spend the night there before heading to maun, the portal to the okavango delta. i was introduced to the okavango delta by the bbc documentary "planet earth". in the first episode they spoke of the okavango's wealth of wildlife and immense beauty. i knew i wanted to see it. i did my research, asked many people many questions and have planned the perfect visit. i'll explore the delta with a guide in a carved out wooden canoe, called a "makoro", on an overnight camping safari. i'm looking very forward to seeing this place. i'm not looking forward to taking the malaria pills or lathering in bug spray but i am excited to see animals in their natural habitat and the place that "planet earth" calls "one of the most beautiful places on earth." from maun i'll head to kasane to see chobe national park. chobe is to botswana what kruger is to south africa. it is meant to be home to the largest collection of game - including the BIG 5. the "BIG 5" is the elephant, the rhino, the lion, the buffalo, and the leopard. i will see them all in chobe on game drives and a river cruise. can't wait! from chobe i head to zambia where i'll stay in livingstone and see one of the 7 wonders of the world, victoria falls. there i'll white water raft in the zambezi river - touted one of the most exhilirating rafting experiences in the world. i've never rafted before but i've always wanted to so why not start BIG! october is meant to be the most turbulent as well. we're guaranteed to flip over, they say. :-) i'll fly from livingstone to johannesburg on october 19th, stay in jo'burg for the night, see the apartheid museum and then hop on a plane for BANGKOK!!! i'll be in thailand for 2 weeks before returning home on november 7th. i'll save that itinerary for another post. this is already quite lengthy and AVIVA is hosting a "braii" (a BBQ) for all the volunteers tonight and i must curl my hair. ;-)
love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)